Feeling down.



I figured, I might as well cheer myself up. Not really something to be proud of, but it beats moping around all day. And anyway, I should stop counting on other people to cheer me up when I'm having one of my sappy moods. Not that I'm pushing people away, oh heavens no. There is no harm in being dependent. Just not too dependent. There'll come a point where everyone will leave, and perhaps the time to brace myself, is now.

I keep telling myself I should be more optimistic. But the other part of me; the one that's a hopeless pessimist, is just too much to put up with, I can already feel the leftover strands of optimism start to wither away. Though I hate to admit it, I can already feel myself drown with absolute pessimism. The voices in my head, they just don't stop. I can feel myself shrink away with all the insults that spat my face.

But then, if I am the one bringing myself down, then surely I can bring myself back up, right? I know it's not much of a start, but nonetheless it is a start. Instead of wallowing in myself self-pity, like some pathetic fool, I should focus more on the positive things. Every cloud has a silver lining, right? Then maybe I should just count the little things. The things that I have.

1. Allah.
I have a God. I love my God. My God loves me. I should learn to depend on Him more. I've done innumerable mistakes, indescribable wrongdoings, and yet He still gives me a chance to live in this world he created, and repent.

2. Parents.
I have parents. They aren't perfect and are not always right, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. We fight at times, I become my rebellious self and spit out words I don't even mean. I despise them at times because ASDFGHJKL we're back to square one, negativity. I'll stop now.

Not even three things listed down and my pessimism kicks in. Ah, how nice. And this is why I hate myself so much. I'm blessed with countless things, and yet I never fail to take these things for granted. I look the other way instead, envying other people for the perfect lives they seem to have. If it's okay for me to ask, WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME? If it's not okay, then just shut up.

Stop Farisha. Stop. Okay, instead of listing down what I have, I'll just think of the good things. Yeah. I'll just think of all the positive things. Paperboats. Rabbits. Lotuses. Autumn. Shoes. Flamingos. Hugs. School life. Winter. Snowmen. Smiles. Memories. Warmth. Anis. Blankets. Marshmallows. Friends. Koalas. Petrichor. Qahirah. Dayana..

Shakyrana.

It sucks. Being away from the people you love the most, it sucks. It really, really sucks. What sucks even more, is being the only one. Why did it have to be me? Why did I have to be the one that gets left behind? I somehow knew, deep down in my heart, that it wouldn't work. And how could it? How could it possibly work? It's always like that in groups of three. Someone always gets left behind. That person, unfortunately, happened to be me. I remember so vividly, that time. It was when we were at the peak of our friendship. I remember how we —Shakyrana, that is— were inseparable.  We were so inseparable, I started to become afraid. Afraid of being left behind. Oh the irony. I was afraid of losing what we had. And so, I made the selfish decision, of pushing them away. The two people I should've cherished the most, I selfishly pushed them away. And broke their hearts.

I'm at it again. Focusing on the negative and all. This is the part where I tell myself to focus on the positive. I find it entertaining though, the war I'm at with myself. I'm beginning to wonder how long this debate has been playing on inside my mind. I mean, why am I trying so hard to turn myself into an optimist? What's so great about optimism anyway? How can we even differentiate positivity from negativity if negativity never existed in the first place? And vice-versa.

Shut up Farisha. You really need to learn how to shut up.

I don't feel better, I don't feel worse either. Just neutral. In other words, I don't feel anything. Well actually, I don't know what to feel.

Maybe I'm being bipolar. I, myself, am not sure anymore.

Peace be upon you.