السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته 

To be honest, in my opinion I've always felt that changing myself to be a better person was easy. To this moment, I still feel that way. The real challenge is keeping it consistent; the whole hijrah thing —you know: istiqamah.

And it's harder because I know who I wanna be, but I don't know how I'm going to succeed being who I want to be. I want to change myself for the greater good, I want to change my personality and the way I talk and the things I say and how I say them. I don't want negative thoughts lingering on in my mind and unpleasant assumptions towards others and hate for random strangers that appear out of nowhere but my mind itself. I want to be humble and confident and patient. I want eyes that see good in everything and positive thinking and a spirit higher than Mount Everest. I want to be close to Allah. So close that the tiniest speck of dust would be able to remind me that Allah created it.

What's hard is I know that I want all these things, I want them so badly, and yet I'm not sure if my efforts are good enough or even if my approach is right. And it's frustrating, because I feel like I'm going in circles, and like circles, where the end meets the beginning, I feel like I'm returning to my old self. Now I'm really starting to hate the idiom “old habits die hard”.

At the same time, I know I should be patient because you can't plant a seed and expect it to grow into a sunflower overnight, and I should be taking it one step at a time, but I can't help but feel envious of those who already managed to find inner peace. I look at Jannah and Aiesyah and Natasha Amira and Yousra and Kak Anis and I want what they have, but at the same time I'm thankful for their existence. I'm thankful because they're here to help me change.

Idk. Sometimes I feel left out because everyone else is one step ahead of me, heck, they're miles ahead of me when I'm just getting started.

But I'm thankful that I've seen the light. I'm thankful because Allah opened up my heart and sprinkled His hidayah into it. Maybe I sound cheesy or cliché or even like I'm exaggerating. But who cares, I clearly don't.

Tbh right now this post just turned into a big basket of my opinions mixed into a blender and baked into a cake. But I'm going to post it up anyways.

Peace be upon you.