Why I Write // Monday, December 9, 2013
Honestly I go on writing because I feel as if it's the only thing that will ever make me feel like I'm being bloody heard. And it's the only thing that does not judge me after the truth has left my breathing body. I go on writing because I think it's the only thing that keeps me sane after I drown myself at 4:17AM thinking about whether I should get up in the morning or not. My writing makes no sense to anyone except me and I've never been so thankful for anything more because when I write I can be crazy and nonsensical and still be okay. I can only express the thoughts that fill my mind when I'm trying to get myself away from people packed tight in restaurants like sardines in a can through writing, no matter how horrible, how nasty. I can only stop my suicidal urges when I stain paper with black ink because it stops me from staining my wrists with crimson-colored ink. The only way I got through the death of my childhood friend was by writing how he would be dearly missed on a tear-stained sheet that was dry of nostalgia and reminiscence the next morning. The only way I could express how happy I was when I boarded that plane to china was by writing invisible words on the palm of my hand with my fingers; words that only I could interpret, words that'll never be forgotten by the blood-pumping heart buried in my chest. I can never tell you how much I love you in person but I can certainly write you a letter about how frightening the world will look without you in it. I'll never be able to tell you how sorry I am upfront but I can write what a pleasure remorse will have haunting my soul for making you hurt so much. Writing is the only way I can be true to myself and not cry in disdain, or shiver in regret, or attempt to jump off a building. I write because it's what keeps my feelings intact. I write because it's the only escape i'll get from the guilt harbored in my veins. I write because it's the only way I could describe how confused I was when I realized the pain wouldn't go away. I write because I have nothing else to do on nights when I am drunk of so much hate and confusion a little after two in the morning. I write because the combination of twenty-six different letters brings content to my heart. I write because it's the only way I can get rid of deliriums after I finish reading a book. I write because it has become the air that I breathe. I write because writing is the only way I can expose myself in a manner that'll still keep me looking like I'm a mysterious piece of crap without worrying about people figuring out who I really am, because they've read who I am, they've read, but they'll never know.
I guess writing is my pack of cigarettes.
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